Tuesday 25 February 2014

Drug’s officer and his sniffer dog





Man sits next 2 a guy with a dog on a plane and asks is he a guide dog?

No i’m a drugs officer, he’s a sniffer dog, watch this and says to the dog ‘Search’ The dog goes off, comes back and puts 1 paw on his lap. ‘Heroin’ the guy says and makes a note of the passanger.

The dog comes back again and puts 2 paws on his lap. ‘Coke’ the guy says.

The dog comes back again and shits all over the seat.

Man says “What does that mean?”

Drugs officer says “Hes found a fucking BOMB!”

Wednesday 5 February 2014

A Nice Hot Cup Of Karma




(I work in a small sandwich shop owned by my parents. We are famous locally for giving great value for money. It is Saturday morning and I am on my own. A customer walks in.)

Me: “Good morning, sir. How can I help you?”

Customer: “How much is a tea?”

Me: “£1.”

Customer: “And how much do you get?”

(I am a little taken aback by this, but I show him a cup. It’s roughly the same dimensions as a standard mug.)

Customer: “That’s f****** ridiculous! Are you trying to f****** rip us all off!?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I don’t know what to say. We have the cheapest tea in the area that uses proper milk. I don’t make the prices!”

(At this point a regular walks in.)

Customer: “I don’t care! You don’t f****** know anything. Get me your godd*** manager. Do you know who I am?”

Regular: “Excuse me? You shouldn’t swear at her, or call her stupid. She’s been serving me for a year now and she’s never let me down once!”

Customer: *not looking at him or paying much attention* “Yeah, whatever, mate. Who the f*** do you think you are?”

Regular: “Your boss’ husband.”

(The customer turns, finally notices who the regular is, and runs out. I thank my regular by giving him a free plated breakfast. It later turns out that the customer was fired, ironically for poor customer service!)